Scene:
A crowd of twenty-somethings in a basement, thoroughly intoxicated. In the middle of the room is a table, upon which there are several paper plates. Each plate holds a large amorphous Jell-O blob, so rich in alcohol it barely maintains cohesion.
Larger than necessary speakers blare 90’s rock music while the crowd looks on as two men talk. Man One is wearing ass-less chaps, a hooded sweatshirt, and very little else.
In a flash, Man Two is on his knees eating vodka-soaked Jell-O from a large plastic kitchen spoon. The crowd roars with laughter. The spoon? It’s clenched firmly between the ass cheeks of The Man in Chaps.
At the time, this makes perfect sense.
Alcohol (booze, spirits, liquid courage, hooch) is an amazing social lubricant. It allows us to do things our sober selves would never dream of. It’s not that we aren’t capable of being awesome while sober, but sobriety has too many “rules” associated with it.
Have you ever called your girlfriend at two a.m. to explain why you should have an “open” relationship?
While sober?
Of course not.
You know why? Because sober at two a.m. you are feverishly searching for hardcore pornography featuring girls with mohawks you *haven’t* already seen.
But drunk… Hey-o, that’s a whole other ball game! Now where are you at two? Standing outside a dive bar with a barely legal sorostitute whose name you can’t remember. And how did you get here? Because moments ago, shortly before the lights came on and everyone scattered like cockroaches, you subtly shouted in her ear that you knew a far-eastern technique involving “two in the pink, one in the stink”; and yes, you *do* provide in-home demonstrations.
So why the phone call? Because deep down, you really are a good guy. Sober you are a caring and sensitive lover, selfishly devoting your ministrations to but a single woman. Drunk on the other hand, your better, slurrier self comes out. Your greedy side is gone, you live to turpidly enlighten this busty beauty of questionable taste. The shocker wants to be free.
But alcohol can do so much more than lower the barriers to spiritual enlightenment!
Let’s play a game of “Choose Your Own Adventure”, shall we?
You and a group of close friends decide to go out into the woods in the middle of nowhere. You bring food, tents, firewood and other related implements. Did anyone bring a keg of beer?
NO: This is called camping. You will sit around the campfire, talk until the wee hours then sleep uncomfortably on the rocky ground. You will be bitten by several mosquitos.
The End.
YES: This is also called camping. At least that’s what you call it when you are underage and lying to your parents about your whereabouts on a Friday night. Invariably someone will produce an axe and a group effort will commence to fell an unnecessarily large tree. The group will then drag the tree, whole, to the campfire and begin burning it from the top down.
The campfire is now a bonfire, visible from Space.
If shovels are available, a large hole will be dug for no readily apparent reason. The hole shall not be larger than is necessary to entrap one petite female. At some point, someone will fall into this hole.
Back on the bonfire, people are now jumping through the fire with the sole justification that it “seems like a good idea”. In actuality, it is an excellent fucking idea.
Still burnt from a mis-calculated jump over the Space Pyre, you will find yourself high in a tree seeking out a “perfect” branch for “sticking”.
For the uninitiated, “Sticking” is a game where you place your forehead on the end of a short stick, the other end firmly planted in the ground. Bent over, you do ten laps around the stick, stand up and attempt to chug a beer. The difficulty in this game is twofold: You’re probably already shitfaced, and even if not, you are definitely dizzy.
You will sleep like the dead, probably under your vehicle (or in the case of a small car, a friendly looking SUV) because you forgot you had a tent, and sleeping *inside* the car is too much like cheating.
The following morning you will be dirty, burnt, hungover and reeking of cheap beer and smoke. The ideal next stop is a Denny’s or Eat n’ Park.
The End.
How did you do? If you answered No, you may want to pretend the answer was “YES” to compare outcomes.
IN Summary:
Alcohol is awesome. While these are but a few examples of how it improves every day life, consider this: Everything is better with booze. Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, Funerals, First Dates, Conference Calls, Second Dates, Cookouts, Anniversaries, Court Dates, Surviving each day you are forced to spend in unholy union with that fucking Ogre you married… the list could go on for days.
Drink Up.
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